I admit I was being petty

Stuff you actually want to read about from Pam Moore

Content warning: disordered eatingHi ,A little over a year ago today, I applied clear packing tape to the outside of the French doors to my husband’s office while he sat inside of it. Per CDC guidelines, he was staying away from the rest of our family after testing positive for COVID and I didn’t want our daughters or me breathing his germs while we caught up on Selling Sunset on the other side of those doors. Did I feel bad for him? Yes. Was I feeling jealous and acting petty? Also, yes. But after the past two years we'd had, I wanted a break, too. Badly. When he reminded me that the CDC didn’t say anything about hermetically sealing your infected loved one into a  chamber of their own, I apologized and begrudgingly peeled the tape off. I’d found out Dan tested positive while I was out to lunch with friends celebrating my birthday. I ended up eating my celebratory lunch out of a styrofoam box alone in my car and I was feeling grumpy about that plus the fact that everything had been topsy-turvy since 2020.I know I sound like a terrible partner (best case) or a complete sadist (worst case). But I need to make a few things clear. One: our kids weren’t fully vaccinated yet. Two: Dan had easy access to a bathroom, overzealous tape situation notwithstanding. For days, he holed up in his office while I brought him food and took his dirty dishes away several times a day. Meanwhile, I hoped someday I’d catch a mild case of coronavirus. I daydreamed about being in a room by myselfa; all the books I’d read, newsletters I’d write, and podcasts I’d edit. Maybe I’d even have time to watch every season of The Mindy Project.On Friday I got my wish. After taking a second test just to be sure (and wow did this remind me of taking a pregnancy test), it was confirmed. After evading it for nearly three years, I had my first case of COVID.But isolating from my household wasn’t the joyride I thought it would be. I was lonely and bored and frankly, pretty peeved about all the weekend plans we had to miss because of my illness. Also, I’m not a huge fan of eating in bed. The experience reminded me of all the times I thought for sure my life would be fixed if I just lost weight. For years, I thought I’d be happier and that I could finally chill out and accept myself if I were smaller. But getting smaller always came at a huge cost – I spent untold time and energy attempting to micromanage every meal, snack, and glass of wine, plus having to compensate for them. Maintaining a smaller size was even worse. For those brief periods, I was in constant fear that the next party, event, potluck, or Wheat Thin would be the beginning of the end of my excellent run of self-discipline. How long, I wondered, could I go on proving that I wasn’t actually the out-of-control monster I feared myself to be? As you can probably imagine, it sucked. Sure, my pants fit looser but I didn’t like myself any better and I’m sure I wasn’t much fun to live with. Since I was a teenager, I thought I could feel how I wanted to feel when I looked how I wanted to look. With Intuitive Eating, I realized I could feel at home in my body — while eating without rules or restrictions — no matter how I looked.If that's something you want for yourself but you’re not sure how to get there, let’s talk. I offer 1:1 intuitive eating coaching and I’d be honored to be part of your intuitive eating journey. Either way, I'd love to hear from you. Hit reply and let me know: what's something you thought you wanted but weren't so thrilled about once you got it? 

xo,

4 Things Worth Checking Out

  • If you have an hour:  Hillary Allen was at the peak of her pro career as an ultramarathoner when she lost her footing during a Norweigian sky race and fell 150 feet down a mountainside in 2017. She barely survived. Today, she's a pro runner and pro gravel cyclist and she made time to share her incredible journey and the lessons she learned along the way with me on episode 49 of the Real Fit podcast. 

  • If you have five minutes: Jennifer Weiner wrote a smart New York Times Opinion essay on Kirstie Alley (RIP, Kirstie) and her contribution to the body positivity movement. 

  • If you have five minutes: This Q and A with Bernadette Peters for The Cut includes a lot of detail about her eating habits, which sound super disordered to me. What really struck me was the way the article normalized it; Veronique Hyland writes, "How does this woman look so damn good? It turns out there’s no shortcut, just a lifetime of exercise and extremely healthy eating."  This article was published in 2016. I'd like to think they'd avoid spending so much time talking about what she eats (and implying that it's healthy) if it were published today.

  • If you have five seconds: This drawing by Lainey Molnar spoke to me.

The Real Fit podcast features real conversations with women athletes on topics like body image and confidence, my goal is to share stories that will let you know you're not alone and that you're already enough. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and anywhere you listen to juicy podcasts. New episodes every other Tuesday.  

Are you ready to heal your relationship with food and exercise? 

I’m on a mission to help smart women like you stop wasting your precious energy on the quest to shrink your body. You were made to do amazing things and your obsession with food, exercise, and body image is a huge distraction.Together we can clear that mental clutter and turbocharge your path to being your best self.I'm a certified intuitive eating counselor, occupational therapist, and certified personal trainer and I offer 1:1 intuitive eating coaching services. 

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